Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Serendipity

I can no longer recall when and where did it all exactly started. All I know is that one day it occurred in me.


I met him in the midst of those days where I take life daily for it’s a must, nothing to cherish, nothing to be thankful for, nothing to drag on too long. Although I’ve known him before, he was never the admiring type for me, nothing in him that caught my attention. He was nothing but a familiar face. Until that day that a coincidence happened where I learned that my best friend was also his friend, seeing a familiar face, I add him up on my friends list, on my online account. But fate brings us closer, another friend of mine, who was by this time his close friend, told me that this guy likes me. But still it doesn’t stir my emotion. It just gave me a reason to be kind before him. But I guess I’ve belittled fate. The day that I’m asking the one above to give me strength to finally leave everything about my past behind was also the day that we first happened to have a real conversation, making me realize sort of interesting things about him. From that talk I learned that I wasn’t the only one who was left behind by the dreary game of life. Just like me, right before my eyes was a man who also underwent a tragic ending also found it hard to move on. Due to that, we conclude that we will be needing each other, so we agree to help. As simple as that I let this man enter my life without even thinking what may happen next. Perhaps by that moment all I’m thinking is the fact that I need someone like him who’ll understand me because of his own situation.

I need him. He needs me. Then we have each other.

Time flies, we get more intimate with one another. But I never realize that as I find ways to comfort him, my heart also find ways to open its door for some one to get in. It last for several weeks. Everything went smoothly, as what I expected it to be. Till one day, I realized that I’m lost, lost under his spell. All I’ve found is myself deeply in love with this man. Things grew more seriously than I had imagined. So we’ve decide to settle it down by starting from clearing our past. Since everything started from our eagerness to move on from our former relationships, he’d decided to finally face his past and forget everything about them. November 16, 2007—I’ve decide to officially make him mine. Everything was almost perfect, until couple of months later, issues from outside forces began to arouse, turning my fairytale like love story into an illusive dream of having a happily ever after. It’s against the will so we’ve decided to part ways for the mean time. I was the first one to surrender the fight, but I have my reasons. Couple of months past, missing him was all that I’ve done. Until I woke up one day that I could no longer sustain it. But I have to. I know I have to. I just realize something, in those moments that we were together, I definitely became unfair to him because while he had given up everything for me, It wasn’t really me at all. It could be me physically, or me as I intend to be but I have never really given my whole to him. It was nobody but a girl who was loving someone but is still living in the shadow of his past, full of pain, full of regret, afraid and scared. I’ve realized that I became unfair for not giving him myself as whole as I supposed to be. So I wanna make it up to him. But then, a news stops everything, I’ve learned that he already found another “someone”, which breaks me into pieces. Although he explained everything, telling me that I’m still the one who holds his heart, It just worsen things. Because of that I find it harder it harder to decide, leaving me clueless of the right things to be done. But still I have to make my choice. And for my decision, I’ve choose to give myself time and space. So I exit the scene for one more time. I rest myself, think things over and make decisions. That all happened for the span of five months. But if fate seems to be good for me at the beginning, is it also that crucial? The moment I was totally ready to face him back was also the moment I’ve learned that I’m too late. He knows what I mean. But this time, I failed to surpass it. Having him around takes me my strength, drops me out of my mind, and makes me heartless. His presence melts me and tears me up, making me unrecognized even my own self. So I end up trapped in a situation I hate most but find no way out. But I did, at least for a short period of time, I’ve pulled myself out of my unconsciousness.

Today was his birthday. I don’t even have any idea of what possibly is he doing by now. Does he knows how hard I do think of him all through out this day? That no matter how I try, I can’t escape this thoughts.
Do I enter his thoughts even for a second everyday as he does into mine? These are the questions I’m always clueless for the answer.

Even though I got used to live everyday even without him, if ever I’ll be dying tomorrow and God will grant me my last 24hrs to be with someone I wanna spend my last day with, it will still be him. J
First one hour)) I’ll go into your house and ask you to be with me for the whole day. (It’s now or never, But I’ll never let you know the real reason)
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(23hrs remaining)
Next one hour)) If ever you agree to come with me, we will go the nearest computer shop and have a chat while setting side to side. (I wanna feel the moment we first happened to have a real conversation)
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(22hrs remaining)
Next two hour)) We will go to “rainforest” the place we happen to have our fist dateJ (I wanna have a picknick in the grass)
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(21hrs remaining)
Next 30 mins))We’ll go to SM Marikina through LRT J
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(20hrs&30mins remaining)
Next 3hrs)) We’ll play at the arcade. (I’ll get the biggest stuffed toy in the machine for you, as what I have promised before)
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(17hrs and 30mins remaining)]
Next 30 mins)) We’ll visit tronix— that’s a photo studio that can be found inside the mall, we’ll take picture and I’ll ask you to have it portrait as your gift for my next birthday.
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(17hrs remaining)
Next 1hr)) We’ll eat at KFC J (I want many catsup)
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(16hrs remaining)
Next 3hrs)) We’ll watch a movie together. (A comedy movie)
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(13hrs remaining)
Next 2hrs)) I’ll bring you home and cook a dish for you. (See? I keep my promise.J and I want u to have it before I leave)
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(11hrs remaining)
Next 2hrs)) I’ll bring you to a place where there’s only you and me, and no one can hear us. I’ll ask you to shout with me. Shout everything you wanna say. Shout it to the world. (Some people find it too kornii but It’s a form of yoga, its good for one’s health and it gives people a relax and wonderful feeling)
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(9hrs remaining)
Next 3hrs)) We’ll do star gazing, and we’ll chat for 3hours, regardless of the topic. I’ll even tell you my favorite stories)
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(6hrs remaining)
Next 5hrs)) We’ll sleep together.
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(1hr left)
Next 20mins)) We’ll watch the sunrise.
Next 10mins)) I’ll tell you how much you give meaning, color and happiness to my life.
Next 10mins)) I’ll sing for you our favorite songs.
Next 10mins)) I’ll tell you that I’m finally giving you to her. And my last wish will be for the two of you to stay happy together .
Next 5mins)) I’ll ask you to promise me never to cry for whatever happens next, and to do your best to have a happy life even without me.
Next 4mins)) I’ll ask you to sing me a song.
Next 30 secs)) I’ll thank you.
And for the last 30secs)) I’ll ask you to kiss me.
Why do I think about these kinds of things right now? I never really know. All I know is I’m finally letting him go.
May 30, 2009..
I’m leaving him. I don’t know what to say. But I don’t want you to wait for me. For whatever reason, I’m not so sure if I’ll be coming back.
It’s fate that crossed our paths and binds us together. Will it also give us a happily ever after? Or will it also help me to find my way out of your life again?